Our money baggage often influences our choice in a partner and how we relate to each other as a couple. Oliver and Anita argued about money regularly. It was the central irritant of their marriage and kept them locked in a constant struggle, full of anxiety about money and resentment toward each other. They were trapped in a perpetual conflict because of their respective money baggage. He was concerned with avoiding money and wanted to leave any situation where it was being discussed (We don’t have the money, something
is always wrong! I’m out of here!). Her money baggage told her that she was bad with money and compelled her to become a compulsive spender (I’m bad with money and the end is always near).
The discovering and exploring of their respective money baggage messages led to a better understanding of each other. A commitment to create new money messages and live lives consistent with those messages saved their marriage.
Anita: This work of discovering our money baggage gave me a profound insight and compassion into how Oliver’s traumatic young experiences shaped his particular view of life. And how our relationship and habits were in perfect (albeit discordant) harmony with our thoughts about money. It had an impact on all areas of our marriage.
Oliver: I was able to transform my relationship with Anita from periodic dislike, contempt, and cynicism to compassion and understanding. I used to say, “This is just how women are!” and “She has no idea what it took for me to make this money, to just waste it on another pair of shoes.” Now I am able to ask her genuine questions about money and to allow her to see my vulnerability around it.
Anita: I discovered that his avoidance and then anger over money was not about me, but about him. It has allowed me to step back and not take things so personally. I have a sense of finally growing up, coming into my own sense of self. I don’t have to manipulate, plan, and control things to get what I want. All is well. I am freed up.
The couple created new money messages and began to take consistent actions that supported their money messages.
Oliver’s money message is: Money is energy and I am the sun. Anita’s money message has several parts: I have the life of my dreams; I am the source of miraculous prosperity and abundance. Life is a gift. All is well.
Since starting their work on money baggage and money messages, they have had only one disagreement about money in the past three years. Oliver now handles the family finances and Anita has become more conscious of her spending habits and has reined
Anita. This work has moved us from conflict to complement.
Oliver: We have transformed something “unspeakable” into something that brings us closer together.
Anita: We have a whole new vision of our future together by being able to talk about things and not fight about money.
We used to waste so much time and energy. Now we are involved in new ventures personally and in business. It’s all now being built from a strong and supportive partnership.
Anita and Oliver have continued this work and each discovered their soul’s calling to help alleviate the ravages of poverty in the world. They are leaders in an organization whose mission is to develop the political will among nations to deal with poverty. Best of all, they are recreating their relationship and finding new means to commit and to work together. They tell me they have never had so much fun.
Living in accordance with their money messages transformed their relationship from one of fighting and discord around money to a true partnership of support, empowerment, and enjoyment of life and each other.
Oliver: My money message reaffirms, and gives me reliable access to knowing and remembering, who I really am—a part of the eternal, a spiritual and inspiring being. Discovering that gave me the ability to see my marriage as this precious sacred entity, one to be cultivated.
Join us next week for – Money Message Principle #19: Money Message and Work